One Bittersweet Day
by RNaley
Summary: Every year there was one specific day Nathan Scott was afraid to live, not knowing if he could handle the pain he was feeling because of her, his wife. But did he enjoy the pain? Why did he keep feeling like this? AU.


**This is something I've always wanted to write about. Of course I don't ever want to see this happen on the show but my fan side can't help but wonder how Nathan's reaction would be to a situation like this. I hope I can approach it the right way.**  
><strong>I'd like to dedicate this story to all the members posting at the Bethany Joy board over at Fanforum, to <em>prettylullabies<em> who has always been an inspiration, to all the girls posting on the James Lafferty Fanfic Thread (also over at Fanforum) and to Lola, my "sister" ;) **

**There are some details inspired by Nicholas Sparks' novel "Safe Haven".**

**WARNING: This is a very sad story and if you're easily impressed, I'd advise you to not read it.**

* * *

><p>My father was a great man. Really, he was. He did everything he could for us and that is something I'll never forget. We only really understood what he had been through after we started growing up and understanding what life was like and how it can surprise us in the blink of an eye.<br>I feel my hand being squeezed by hers. For her, it's the first time dealing with something like this. To me, it's the second. And it is still as painful as that distant cold memory.

Nathan Scott closed his eyes so he could feel the breeze hit his face. It was cold but somehow he didn't care. He could only feel the water droplets running down his cheeks. But rain water wasn't salty, like his brain concluded when he licked his lips and tasted the familiar saline flavor. It had been like this for the last four years. Today was one of those days. He could never say this was the most painful day of the entire year because all the others were equally painful. But today was different. Today everyone would talk about it. _Her_.

Maybe standing at the bridge of their house, looking at the ducks wandering around the lake, was his way to run away from it all. From them and what they would say. It had become a routine. He'd always do the same things and visit the same places on this day. It was easier.

The piece of bread he was holding in his hand suddenly got limp and wet. It had been hit with one of the salty water droplets. He threw it to the lake and watched the ducks eagerly surrounding the piece of food. Not even the loud voice calling for him stopped him from looking at the animals.

"Dad! Uncle Lucas is here!", he had heard it though. Knowing his lonely moment was gone, he brought his hands to his face and rubbed his eyes, scattering the dropplets all over his face. He slowly walked down the bridge before reaching the green yard full of toys and finally opening the back door.

"Good morning, daddy." he looked down at their daughter who was gripping his leg, an habit she'd gotten from her brother, and he couldn't help but smile softly and put himself on his knees so he could hug and kiss her.

"Good morning, sweetie." she looked just like _her _and he shut his eyes_._ But unlike anything that reminded him of her, that little girl didn't make him feel sad. In fact, what happened was exactly the opposite. Seeing her would always warm his now cold heart. When he finally opened his eyes again, he noticed Jamie was by their side and he brought him into the hug. They were all he had now and just that thought made him want to break down right there. But he knew he couldn't so he just got up and started fixing up the table for breakfast. By the smell of it, Lucas was already making pancakes. Another familiar thing. On this day, Lucas would always come over and prepare breakfast.

"How are you feeling?" his brother asked as Nathan closed his eyes in annoyance and clenched his fists.

"Why do you keep asking when you already know the answer?" Nathan asked bitterly, not stopping what he was doing. Lucas sighed at his brother's comment. Even though he was already expecting it considering he had been giving him that answer for four years now, he always hoped Nathan would change. But apparently, it wouldn't be this year either, he thought. He noticed how Nathan's eyes had been puffy and his eyelids red. He just wished there was something he could for him. It had been four years and he still hadn't let go. He chose to not say anything this time but someone needed to do something. Nathan just couldn't live like this.

When he finished off the pancakes, he placed them on the table and that's when he noticed it. He shook his head in disbelief. No, Nathan definitely wasn't better.

"You put five plates on the table." Lucas muttered slowly and Nathan rolled his eyes. "We're only four, Nathan." Every year was the same thing, he was sick of it. Nathan couldn't be doing this for the rest of his life. Lucas looked at him and when Nathan didn't do anything, he grabbed one of the plates. He had to take it out and put it back on the cabinet. But as soon as he put his hands on the plate, Nathan grabbed his arm tightly and glared at him.

"Put it back!" Nathan shouted with rage in his eyes, his blood boiling.

"No!" Lucas shouted back.

"I said put it back, Lucas!"

"You can't keep doing this, Nathan!"

"Put that plate back on the table right now or I swear I'll punch you!" Nathan's face was red and he was grabbing Lucas's polo shirt collar as tightly as he could.

"No!"

"Put. It. Back!"

"She's not here!" those words seemed like a thousand knives had just hit him. Nathan slowly let go of Lucas and he felt his own eyes begin to water as he kept looking shocked at his brother. "Not anymore." Lucas added, completely defeated. Numbly, Nathan took the plate out of Lucas's hands and put it back on the table, not even noticing Jamie and Lydia had just arrived at the kitchen and sat at the table, clueless of what had just happened.

Lucas watched as Nathan was about to walk out the door he had just walked in minutes ago.

"What about breakfast, dad?" Jamie asked him.

"I lost the appetite." Nathan replied not even looking back. "You can go when you're finished." he looked at Lucas. "And you call me when you're ready." he told his kids before shuting the door behind him.

When he was outside once again, he couldn't help but shut his eyes and breath in again. He could hear her. Her voice, her laughter... She was here.

_"Do you want to go after daddy? Come on!" Haley_ _opened up her arms so that one-year-old Lydia could get up and crawl into her mother's body. Lydia still couldn't talk, at least say any coherent words, being on that phase of imitating all the sounds she heard.  
>When they were all set, Haley started running after Nathan who pretended to be running as fast as he could. <em>

_"Daddy, over here!" four-year-old Jamie shouted from the other side of the yard, waiting for his dad to pass him the small orange ball. Haley finally reached Nathan and put her arms around his waist, trying to stop him. Then Lydia's little arms stretched to try and grab her father's strong arms and a giggle escaped her throat when he stuck his tongue out of his mouth and did a funny face. _

_"You can't escape us now, dad." Haley told him in a not so innocent tone to which Nathan smirked in response. _

_"Jamie, I need a back up!" as soon as he said that, Jamie immediately ran towards them and grasped Haley's legs. Since he was a baby that he had this rather strange habit to grasp his mother's legs as long as he could. Haley immediately started laughing as soon as he felt Jamie's tiny hands on her legs and she put Lydia down on the floor so she could start tickling her son which was the only way to unstick him from her legs. While Lydia entertained herself with the grass, Nathan watched amused until he decided to get in the mother/son funny duel. He started tickling Haley and after a few minutes of happy shouts and laughter, they all fell down on the grass. Lydia stopped playing with the pieces of grass she had on her hands and looked at them with a smile outline appearing on her face as she cooed happily._

_Jamie was still holding Haley's legs religiously and he couldn't stop laughing as his parents stood there, lying on the ground and looking at the blue sky above them. _

_"I think we need a break." Haley muttered, in between breaths._

_"Yeah, I think I need a fresh lemonade." Nathan nodded._

_"I'll get it" Jamie stated before getting up suddenly and start running to the house._

_"Lyd... Oh there you are. You really love playing with grass, don't you?" Haley talked to her daughter with an amused smile after raising her head to look at Lydia who was extremely focused on the big green carpet before her._

_"I'm telling you, Hales. That is one weird habit our daughter has." _

_"Our kids only have weird habits. What do you call that obsession Jamie has for gripping my legs?" Haley laughed._

_"That's not a weird habit. That's just something he inherited from me." Haley looked at the smirk on Nathan's face and eyed him disapprovingly before swatting him on the shoulder. "What? It' s the truth." he laughed once again and __reached for Haley to bring her to him until her body was on top of his. She smiled at him before pecking his lips and hold his cheeks in her hands. Then she was looking at him with a smirk of her own and she started biting her bottom lip. Nathan gulped as he saw that look on her. Yes, that was most definitely his wife's bedroom look. But before he had a chance to say anything, Haley took the small ball he still had in his hand and she did a happy dance when she finally had the ball in her possession. "Have you just tricked me, Haley James?"_

_"Maybe I have." she replied in a teasing tone as she rapidly got up from him and started laughing. And Nathan didn't waste a second before he started chasing through the yard, her happy laughter echoing through the neighbourhood._

Nathan opened his eyes and he looked down at the too long grass. He knew he was searching for it. And most importantly he knew why he was doing it. When he finally spotted the small orange point a few metres away from him, he started moving his feet as if he had no control on his body and his legs were moving automatically. Reaching down, he grabbed the orange ball and squeezed it in his hands. She had held that ball. Her hands had been there. That had been the last day they had all been together. Closing his eyes, he let the tears fall down his face before tightening his grip on the ball. After a while, his eyes saw the day light once again and he started looking around their yard and their lake.

"You're here. You're here. I know you're here." he cried out in desperation.

* * *

><p>The ride was silent. Even with different perceptions, they all knew what this day meant and that was enough to not give them reasons to talk much. When they finally arrived, Nathan stopped the car and took Lydia out of her seat before handing her the flowers. Jamie had already started walking, leaving Nathan and Lydia behind. Once again on automatic mode, Nathan started walking and when he felt Lydia's small hand in his, he flashed her a loving smile and held her hand tightly as they continued walking through the grass.<p>

When they reached Jamie, Nathan gripped his son's shoulder as he watched Lydia place the flowers by the headstone. When he saw _her_ name engraved on the stone, he had to control himself and calm down his breathing. But there was never anything he could do to stop the ache he felt in his heart. His eyes started watering just like it would always happen.

"I wish I could remember her." Lydia said with teary eyes and Nathan looked compassionately at his daughter.

"I miss her." Jamie said, while crying and Nathan looked down, making his own tears fall directly on the grass. Why was it that anytime he was in here all the memories of her and the moments they'd shared together filled his mind? He couldn't live without her and he still didn't understand why four years ago she had been taken from him. From them. He missed her like crazy. There wasn't a day where he didn't think about her and wished she was there with him. With them. It wasn't fair. Why? Why her? Why them? She who had the biggest and kindest heart he'd ever known. She who had been the first believing in him. She who was the only one he'd truly ever loved. She who was the mother of his kids and loved them more than anything in this world. She who was always ready to help whoever needed. It just wasn't fair and he didn't understand why whoever was responsible for it had taken her away from their lives.

After long minutes of silence, Nathan let go of Lydia's hand and kneeled on the grass, right by the headstone. Just realizing once again this was his wife's grave in front of him, made his crying intensify and he brought his hands to his face.

"Jamie, take your sister to the car and wait there for me, okay?" he told him, never taking his hands out of his face. Jamie didn't respond, he just grabbed Lydia's hand and they both touched their mother's headstone.

"I love you, mom."

"I love you too, mommy." Lydia repeated, making Nathan realize how she was just one-year-old and, therefore, didn't have any memories from her mother. It had been something that Nathan had always regretted because his wife had loved that girl as much as she had loved Jamie. But she didn't get the chance to show it. She would never have the chance to watch her daughter and son grow up because someone didn't allow her to. Someone had thought it was time for her to go.

It was only when he heard the sound of car doors shutting that Nathan opened his puffy red eyes. He was sobbing uncontrollably but he finally found the energy to talk.

"Hi, baby." more tears started rolling down his cheeks. "The kids are all grown up." he continued with a sad smile on his face before cracking down again and start crying more intensely while shaking his head. "I miss you so much, Hales." he cried out. "I don't know how to live without you." it seemed like he had lost control over his body and he let his head fall down on the grass right in front of the stone. "I know it's been four years... and that I have to take care of our kids but... it's just too hard without you." he let his head rest on the grass for a little while before straighten up once again. "I need you. I always will. And no one will change that, no matter what you say." He finally got up and cleaned the tears with his fists before reaching down and place a little wild purple flower by the headstone. He always brought only one purple flower everytime he came to visit her, never more than one. That way he could come here more times. "I love you, Haley." he kissed the headstone and quickly started walking away. He knew that if he'd take the time he really wanted to, he'd end up crying even more and he would never leave.

* * *

><p>After going to visit Haley, Nathan decided to take Jamie and Lydia to the playground. Although Jamie was already old enough for that, he'd always had fun helping his sister while Nathan sat at one of the benches watching them. People would pass by him and send him compassionate looks. Tree Hill was a small town and everyone knew what day today was. Luckily, he still hadn't found anyone who had come to him, saying how sorry they were and asking how he and the kids were doing. People wanted to be nice and show him their support, he guessed. But since it was an extremely sensitive subject to talk about, he appreaciated it if people kept their sympathy to themselves. That had been one of the reasons why he had shut off his cell phone, he didn't want to be bothered at all.<p>

_"Be careful!" Haley shouted to Jamie and Lydia as they approached the swing set before going to sit down in one of the benches, next to her husband. Jamie was only 4 years old but he already had that urge to protect his little sister. _

_"You do know that, sooner or later, we'll have to go help them, don't you?" Nathan asked her, amused._

_"I do. But we have to let them try." she smiled at him before resting her body against his. They kept looking at Jamie and Lydia and they were barely moving on the swings. Nathan and Haley looked at each other and after they laughed, they got up and went to help them, pushing them so they could start swinging._

_As Nathan kept pushing Jamie's swing, he kept looking at Haley. The broad and shiny smile she had in that exact moment as she talked to their daughter made Nathan's heart start beating faster. He was madly in love with his wife and he knew he'd keep that image of her forever in his mind, knowing he would never see such a beautiful and perfect smile like hers._

Nathan found himself smiling as he pictured that image of Haley's smile. It was like he was looking at her once again, taking in all her beauty and angelic features. But reality hit him fast and all he could see in front of him was an old lady walking by with a bag of bread in her hands. He looked at Jamie and Lydia who were on the swing sets. Jamie was pushing her sister, doing what he and Haley had done to him years ago. He then focused his attention on the bench and passed his hand over the empty seat next to him.

"I know you're here." he whispered. This had been the same bench she'd been sat in. Her body had been there.

"I'm sorry." a male voice surprised him as he watched Lucas sit next to him. Nathan didn't say anything, he just focused his attention back on the kids. "I didn't want to upset you." He was listening, he just didn't want to say anything to his brother. He didn't understand what he was feeling. "I just want to help you, Nate. Being like this doesn't help you."

"Lucas, I already told you: this is my way of handling things, alright? I'd appreciate it if you respect that." Nathan told him, with an edge on his voice but without taking his eyes out of Jamie and Lydia. "Do I need to tell you this every single year?"

"I understand how you feel, I-"

"No, you don't!" This time, Nathan looked at him straight in the eyes. "Have you ever lost the person you loved the most in this world? Your wife, the mother of your children? Then I believe you don't. No one knows how I feel, Lucas. No one." It was Lucas' turn to stay quiet and don't say anything. Clearly, Nathan didn't want to talk abou it or change his habits.

"I miss her too, you know?" Lucas finally said. Nathan looked at him and saw tears beginning to form in his brother's eyes.

"I never said you didn't." Nathan knew Lucas missed Haley. They had cried together when they had found out. They were brothers but they were also Haley's husband and best friend since childhood. Of course Lucas missed her. Everyone who had known Haley missed her. It just was impossible not to.

* * *

><p><em>"The kids are sleeping like rocks." Nathan said as he entered their bedroom. <em>

_"That doesn't surprise me. It was a long day." Haley laughed while brushing her hair. It had been a long day, indeed. First they had all spent the entire morning in the yard, playing games and having fun. Then they had gone out for lunch and walked around the mall afterwards. They'd then gone down to the docks and eaten an icecream. Before dinner they'd been at the playground and after Haley and Nathan had cooked dinner, they'd gone to the movies. It had looked just like Nathan had described it in his mind because the day had gone by really fast, one thing after the other without them having the chance to stop for a while. _

_"Yeah. But the kids loved it." he muttered as he started approaching her. _

_"I loved it too." She said, wiggling her eyebrows and watching her husband's figure through the mirror. His hands went to her stomach, caressing it softly and he pressed her back against his chest as he rested his chin on her right shoulder._

_"You especially loved the girl of the ticket office..." he teased her. Haley rolled her eyes in annoyance, just thinking about the girl made her blood boil._

_"The nerve of her to actually try to flirt with you with me and our kids right there..." Haley added with a disgusting look on her face. "Oh I'm sure we don't need our bodyguards anymore. With your muscles we're well protected." she said in a shrill and sissy voice, trying to immitate the girl's voice. As soon as she had said that, Haley had glared at her. Who did she think she was to try something with her man? Nathan had looked at the girl like she had the plague and had kissed Haley's cheek. This girl was ridiculous and he wanted to assure her he was taken and, therefore, not interested. Haley had smiled happily at him and grabbed Nathan's arm as tight as she could before they both pulled Jamie and Lydia with them and started walking away._

_"I can't help it that I'm hot." he said jokingly as he took the hairbrush out of her hands and put it down on the drawer in front of them. "Your hair looks great." he told her to let her know she didn't need to brush it anymore. He gently grabbed her long and dark brown air and pulled it to the side before starting to place feather kisses on the right side of her neck. She smiled at the sensations he was causing on her and instantly knew what he wanted. She had been wanting it too, to be honest. Being with her husband after a long day with the kids was definitely a must so she turned around so that her lips could catch his. They shared a round of hot romantic and sweet kisses before they both pulled away. _

_"Make love to me." she whispered on his ear and his whole body shivered at her words. Gently, he pulled her down to the mattress with him and they quickly got rid of all their clothes. They both wanted to enjoy the moment, the feel of becoming one and they took their time caressing each other's bodies. When Nathan finally joined them in, they both cried out, knowing fully well they had to be quiet not wanting innocent ears to hear what they shouldn't. As he slowly moved in and out of her, they had their eyes locked in each other as they surrendered to the pure ecstasy they were feeling. Nathan watched how Haley's features changed according to the intensity he would pound into her and the fact that she never took her eyes away from his made him feel things he swore weren't possible. When they both couldn't take anymore, they climaxed together and came down from their highs. If they knew that'd be the last time they'd be making love, they probably would have taken more time._

_After calming their heavy breathing, Haley started placing kisses on her husband's strong and defined chest. "This is for me only. No one else." she said in between kisses, making him laugh._

_"Yes, it is." he assured her. "It always will be." She placed an affectionate kiss on his lips before nuzzling her nose on his sweat sickled chest. "And this is also just mine." he added while he squeezed her butt to which she giggled in response._

_"You know, it's days like these that I'll remember when I'm old." she stated calmly, looking into his eyes. He just smiled and nodded, knowing fully well what she meant. Having days like these, all of them together and having funny, made him feel complete. There was nothing to fill in. He had everything he'd ever needed right there with him._

_"I know. And I promise you we'll still feel like this when we're old, our kids married, us being grandparents living alone in a cosy house, like you've always wanted." as he was talking, joy was swirling in her eyes._

_"God, I can't wait to grow old together with you." she said kissing him once again. They stayed like that for a few minutes and the last thing that came to his mind before he fell asleep was how happy and lucky he was._

Nathan opened their drawer and pulled out the pillows and his pajamas. After pulling the covers from the bed, he placed the two pillows on the mattress and he sat down and closed his eyes. The day was over. Another year had gone by. It felt like yesterday.

June 14th 2008. They were all at Sawyer's birthday party. He remembered how Haley looked so beautiful in that green dress that hugged her curves magnificently. Haley had been helping Peyton and Karen on the kitchen, preparing the last refinements when she started feeling dizzy. He would never forget the moment when Peyton had gone to the living room to call him to say Haley wasn't feeling well. He'd immediately went to the kitchen and saw her sit down in one of the chairs with her hands holding her head. She had a serious look on her face. A few minutes had passed and she said she was okay and everyone could breath again. Of course he'd been concerned but what they all thought had been a little indisposition has ended up being a whole lot more when, fifteen minutes later, Haley practically didn't move, her eyes were focused on a table nearby and she didn't respond to anyone. It was like she was a mummy. When Nathan was trying to get her out of that motionless state she was in, her whole body started shaking uncontrollably. His heart had been at his hands as he tried to do something to stop her seizures but he couldn't. Lucas immediately called an ambulance and the seizures didn't stop until she arrived the hospital.

The doctors didn't let him go in and he couldn't help but cry. The idea that something wasn't right with his wife terrified him and it looked like the world was about to fall on him. When Lucas, Peyton and the rest of their family arrived, he didn't know what to do. It felt like he had a knife stuck on his heart.

An hour later, the doctors finally let him in and he saw her lying down in a bed. Her eyes were closed and she had a dismal look on her face. She was tired and when she heard him come in, she opened her eyes and said "Hey" in a weak voice. He stayed by her side, holding her hand in his. She was as scared as him and he had to assure her countless times that he knew what was going on as much as he did. By the end of the day, the doctor had talked to him and told him they still hadn't figured out what was wrong with Haley. It could be a lot of things, from an allergy to a brain tumor. As soon as he heard "brain tumor", he started shaking his head and walking around in circles. It couldn't be. The doctor advised him to calm down because nothing had been figured out by then.

He spent the next few weeks with Haley, doing all kinds of exams and tomographies. In one of the many exams, there was an image of her brain that clearly showed something that shouldn't be there. Nathan felt his heart drop and he squeezed Haley's hands hard. A few minutes later, the doctor informed them that Haley had a brain tumor and two weeks to live. Those words still haunted him today. He had asked the doctor about twenty times if he was sure and that if it could be something else but the doctors assured him that there wasn't anything they could do. He and Haley had cried, hugged to each other, still not believing how something like this could have hit them. To this day, he still couldn't quite describe what he had felt for those two weeks. He just knew he hadn't been hungry, thirsty or sleepy. He didn't feel anything but the excrutiating pain. He didn't need food, water or sleep. He needed Haley and he spent every single day of those two weeks with her at the hospital. He cried more than he ever had cried in his entire life, it seemed like he couldn't stop sobbing whenever he looked at her in that hospital bed. He had tried to talk to her about her condition but she would always change the subject and say she didn't want to spend the last two weeks of her life talking about the reason why she would be gone. Haley wanted Nathan, Jamie and Lydia with her as well as the rest of their family and friends. She wanted to say goodbye to all of them.

"I love you." Haley muttered weakly in one of the occasions where she and Nathan had been alone. Nathan moved his head down and couldn't control the tears that started forming as he shook his head.

"Don't do that." he pleaded her. "Don't say goodbye." he grabbed her hand and brought it to his lips.

"My time is coming to an end, Nathan."

"I can't lose you." he whispered. Haley started crying as well, not being able to handle everything this would mean. "I can't lose you." although she was really weak by then, she still had the strenght to move her hands and she softly caressed his wet cheek.

"There's something I want to give you." she said stretching her arm to her nightstand. She then grabbed his hand and put three envelopes on it. Each envelope had one name written on it: _Nathan_, _Jamie_, _Lydia_.  
>Nathan stared at the envelopes and moved his eyes over to hers. "Read yours after what has to happen happens and save the kids' letters until you feel like they're ready to read them." Nathan broke down in front of her and he couldn't stop shaking his head. "Please do this for me, Nathan." she pleaded. After a while, he found the strenght to nod and he buried his face on the crook of her neck as Jamie and Lydia got in the room, brought by Lucas. He watched the scene before his eyes and let the family alone. Haley placed her hand on Nathan's back, running it up and down to soothe him. She then felt Jamie and Lydia sitting on her bed and smiled at them as she used her other hand to caress their cheeks.<p>

"I love you. All of you. You're the best things that could've happened to me." she said in between tears.

"I love you too." Nathan whispered in her ear.

"I love you, Momma." Jamie said with teary eyes and even Lydia looked at her with a look she'd never seen her use. Like she was saying how much she loved her with her eyes. Haley smiled one last time and she now knew she could be at piece and closed her eyes.

Laying now in their bed, remembering all that had happened four years ago, Nathan couldn't stop his tears from falling down his face. He got up from the mattress and opened the drawer once again. The blue nightgown was right there on top of a box. He took the garment in his hands and let it fall down. He then brought it to his nose and he smiled. It still had her scent. He prayed, year after year, that her scent would never go away from it. This had been the nightgown Haley had worn the last week before she had gone to the hospital. He returned to bed and placed the garment on her pillow, right by his.

There was now only one thing that he had to do to complete his routine. He took one box out of the drawer and opened it. He then took out an envelope with the name _Nathan_ written on it. The paper was already crumpled for all the times he had read that letter. It was one of the last things Haley had done. There were also a few spots on the paper due to the tears that it had hit it. After breathing in, he took the letter out of the envelope and quickly unfolded it:

_Dear Nathan,_

_Have I ever told you how peaceful you look while you sleep? I'm looking at you right now and I can't help but write about it. I want you to know how I feel a sense of calm invading me whenever you're around. You've always made me feel so good. (Except maybe for now that you fell asleep with one of your legs on top of mine and now I can't feel it).  
>But you do. <em>

_I know you don't want me to say goodbye to you but I want to. I have to. So many people don't have that chance and I'd feel like I was missing this opportunity God gave me. _

_You may not believe it but I've learnt so much these last two weeks. Suddenly, if the house was clean or not stopped being a preoccupation. Having time to teach all the English Literature books stopped being a priority. I found myself not thinking about anything else but you, our children and our friends and family. _

_It breaks my heart to know I won't have the chance to grow old together with you or watch our kids growing up. But I feel at peace and I'm surprisingly calm because I know Jamie and Lydia will always have you by their side. You are an amazing father, Nathan. And I know you sometimes have your doubts but please don't. Do never doubt yourself, Nathan. Do you want to know something? It's in times like these, when you are sleeping right by my side that I start thinking about us. How, why and when I fell in love with you. I remember the bracelet you gave me in our first tutoring session, our first kiss, the first time you said you loved me, when you asked me to become your wife, Jamie and Lydia being born, the fights that strenghtened us... and then I remember how perfect our last day, all together, was. I don't know if this was planned for a long time but I believe it was otherwise I'm sure I couldn't have had spent a better last "normal" day with my family. _

_I know you'll feel lost and hurt after what has to happen happens but I want you to know I want you to be happy. You're the strongest person I know and you have to be strong for yourself and for our children. All I want to is that you feel happy and complete again and if there is another woman who can provide you that, don't be afraid to love again. I promise you that wherever I will be, I'm going to be smiling at the both of you._

_Having met you was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. You made me feel things I had never thought possible. You gave me strenght and bravery. You gave me two wonderful children and the family I've always dreamt of having. You made my dreams come true and there truly are no words to describe how much I love and adore you, Nathan. You are the husband I've always wanted to have and you are a wonderful man, with a soul and heart of gold. Do never forget that._

_I'll always carry you in my heart and I know you'll do the same. I know I'll die thinking about you and that makes everything better because I know a love like ours will never die._

_I'll always be with you. I love you._

_Haley_

Nathan started sobbing wildly like he'd always do whenever he read her letter and he shut his eyes with all his strenght. He missed her and even after all these years, he didn't understand why God had chosen her. She'd never done anything to deserve what had happened to her.

After a few minutes had passed, he started calming himself down and he looked at the red numbers radiating from the clock on his nighstand. 23:59. He placed a kiss on the letter before folding it again and putting it inside the envelope. He then placed it inside the box and put it back on the drawer. He slowly walked to bed before climbing in and turning off the light. He immediately turned to the side and wrapped his arms around her pillow and her mattress. Suddenly, a wave of relaxation and love hit him. He instantly smiled.

"I know you're here." he whispered before falling asleep. And he knew he was going to dream about her.

My father was a good man. But he never got over the death of my mother. Lydia and I, as we started growing up knew he was happy, because of us, but there was always something missing about him. It was like he was only here to guide and raise us. And now that we're both on our own, we understand this even better. Nobody knows what caused his death. Doctors and experts say it was natural but he was only 40 years old. My sister and I know what he died of though. He died of love, like the swans.  
>Lydia is holding my hand tightly as we're looking at the headstone. She's telling me it's time to go and I can't help but agree with her. My father was a good man, my inspiration but I think we've always known this is what he always wanted once we no longer needed him to survive. We start walking away and before getting in the car, I take one last look at the headstone that once said <em>Haley James Scott <em>and now says _Nathan Scott and Haley James Scott_. Somehow, that relieves my pain because I know my father and my mother are together again.


End file.
